unsolicited advice from me
hang on! it's good, I promise...
Hi-Hi,
When my teacher told me I was to skip second grade I thought it was because I was smart. My mother quickly disabused me of that idea and told me, “No, Natalie, you’re bossy and there are too many second graders.” I think if I were a boy they would have told me I had leadership qualities.
It’s well into June. I’ve been listening to commencement addresses, reading lists of life advice. Weddings are happening and people are in need of words of wisdom.
I’m on it!
Perhaps I am bossy.
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First, some commencement wisdom for commencing anything:
Embarrass yourself regularly. Who cares if your sweater was inside out during your presentation. Who cares if you burned the lasagna. Your presentation was terrific! The garlic bread slayed! Try hard things. Give yourself some grace.
Cultivate at least three friends you can call in the middle of the night when you need help, because you will need help…
Be a friend someone can call in the middle of the night when they need help because your friend will need help.
If someone tells you to toughen up, ask yourself what their motivation is… are they the ones hurting you? Are they the reason you need tough skin? If so, move on.
Most things you fear (divorce, eviction, illness, flight cancelled) have already happened to someone you know and they’ve survived.
Be kind. The person in front of you is carrying something hard that you cannot see. Kindness is doable. Kindness costs nothing.
Kindness withheld may cost everything .
Carry your wins lightly. Leave room for other qualities—originality, courage, humor, and humanity—to emerge.
Always be a work in progress.
Ask. For. Help.
Chew quietly, please. (This does not come from personal experience, pinky swear!)
Marriage advice:
Practice saying “I was wrong.” Say it whenever it is true, and sometimes even if it isn’t true.
Same with “I’m sorry.” Which, by the way, is a complete sentence. Resist the temptation to add, “I’m sorry, but…”
Stay married (within reason), don’t give up. As my friend, the writer Bonnie Comfort, says, staying married is the hardest part. Work together, talk and listen.
If you can, get on the same circadian rhythm as your partner. It helps when you fall asleep together and wake up together.
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A poem for a wedding (or not) by the wonderful Beth Ann Fennelly
Poem Not To Be Read at Your Wedding
You ask me for a poem about love
in place of a wedding present, trying to save me
money. For three nights I’ve lain
under glow-in-the-dark stars I’ve stuck to the ceiling
over my bed. I’ve listened to the songs
of the galaxy. Well, Carmen, I would rather
give you your third set of steak knives
than tell you what I know.
(To read the entire poem, click this link)
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What is the best advice you’ve received or given? Care to share? Please, I’m ready to hear…
read:
Advice: READ THESE BOOKS
Last week Sari Botton posted a crowd sourcing ask for best personal essays we’ve recently read:
Do take a moment to peruse the comments as there are real gems in there (with links) which you may come to adore.
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I so wanted to share an essay by Natalie Kusz, whose work I greatly admire. Much as dug around online, I could not find the essay for you. And so, I recommend the entire book which I read back in the 1990s. ROAD SONG is a gorgeous memoir about Kusz’s life as a girl, growing up in Alaska, where she suffered a terrible, disfiguring accident. Kusz writing is riveting and lush.
My family—Mom and Dad and we four children—had driven up from Los Angeles in a green Rambler station wagon, our clothes and plants and water jugs packed and pulled behind us in a twelve-foot travel trailer with two beds. We were going for an adventure, Mom and Dad had told us, to a place where we could play as loud as we wanted to, where neighbors were far away and everyone minded their own kinds of business. During the 1968 recession, my father had been laid off from his computer job, and he and my mother had seen this as their chance to break away, to act upon wishes we had made among ourselves for years, there at our table in the city No more feeling jealous when Mom's sisters wrote from Oregon and Idaho, telling of apples in the trees and cows in the barn. We would write them now from country more raw and more our own than any Sheryl or Cara could tell of. And though the new place we came to was hard, we had come to it exhilarated and hopeful, expecting roughness and finding it, when we arrived, more to our taste than all we had relinquished behind us.
The memoir is a story of resilience and survival. So much to glean about living, about family, about landscape, the self, and with careful reading, about memoir writing. Here is a brief section. Be warned, it is difficult.
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Since I’m on already on a roll with a book from my past, here is another I adore! SWEET TALK, by Stephanie Vaughn:
Opportunities to engage in the r.w.e. community:
Mentor Book Group— in which we read memoirs, personal growth books, fiction and discuss what we might like to adopt in our own “work-in-progress” lives. ORBITAL, by Samantha Harvey will be our June book, meeting on 28 June at 9a pacific time. Love to have you join us.
If you’d like to discuss books with me and a group of smart and lively readers, the r.w.e. book group selection for June is ACCIDENTAL DEVOTIONS and Kelli Russell Agodon will be joining us to discuss her poems THIS Sunday, 21 June, at 9a pacific time. She is a-mazing and you should not miss! Our July selection is THE THINGS WE NEVER SAY, by Elizabeth Strout. We will meet Sunday, 12 July, also at 9a pacific time on zoom. Want to join in?
The book groups are a perk for paid subscribers. I’d love to get to know you better:
Thank you in advance for sharing your love!
write:
Advice: USE THESE PROMPTS
As a way to inspire you to jump in with my prompt class this summer, here are a few things we may do!
Draw a floor plan of a house, apartment, classroom, your block, your office. Make this diagram of a place important to you. Make it detailed, including doors, windows, furnishings, trees, and tchotchkes.
Now write a story about what takes place here, use the diagram in some significant way.
My friend Gina recently told me a story about her murderous Sicilian Great Grandpa. The details involved a pistol and an icepick! But… the most interesting thing, the thing that brought her grandpa most to life? He could walk on his hands around the block!
What detail about your family member, your friend, or your made-up character is so outlandish and true that it brings the person to life?Write a description of drinking a glass of water, eating a peach over the kitchen sink, snagging a slice of bacon just out of the pan… so hot! Make it riveting. Remodel your idea of what constitutes an event. Keep in mind the internals of the eater. What are they thinking as they burn their tongue? (Elizabeth Strout is so excellent at small events like these.)
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To free up your writing, to explore new ideas, to jump in with both feet, I’m offering:
Come on in, the water is fine! Shoot me a note and I’ll reserve your spot.
eat:
Advice: MAKE THIS ASAP
This recipe is from my friend Gina, the one with the great grandpa above, and an excellent home chef. (Gina also gave us a terrific cookie recipe last year.)
Batti Becco Salt
A signature salt blend Gina uses to elevate pizza, soups, pasta, and roasted vegetables.
1/2 c sea salt or kosher salt
1 garlic cloves, minced super tiny
1 t fresh rosemary
1 t fresh Sage
1 t lemon zest
1 t black pepper
Mix everything together in a bowl. Scoop into an airtight container and store in the fridge. Sprinkle liberally on all the things. Double recipe if you want to give some away. And believe me, you will want to give some away! Perhaps to those three friends you can call in the middle of the night.
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Bonus! I have bossy playlist!
Hey, I have an idea, maybe forward this to a friend who needs advice! A friend who loves books—a writer—a home chef who wants to zhuzh up their cooking. Or a friend who loves DOGS! (The very best kind of friend, right?)
Stanley at the coast:
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Thanks for being here with me.
Tell your people you love them, and take care of your skin!
PS:
In case you missed it, here are a couple recent missives:
And, to stay in the loop:
Ooh I love this post so much. I’ve received tons of good advice in my life and a fair amount of crappy advice too. But I remember a friend saying to me once while we were out on a dark wet cold run early in the morning (it’s funny - I can remember exactly where I was) - “if it matters to you, it’s important”. That kind of blew my mind because I was always minimising my feelings because they inconvenienced others. This was something that shifted in me and it changed my life eventually.
Love this post. And thank you for referencing my marriage memoir. Love your book recommendations, and your recipes and your prompts!! Now tell me HOW to repost!!