would you rather be... thoughts on choosing boredom over anxiety
+a meal to remind you of warm days ahead, and newsletters to escape the news (there's plenty of room at the table!)
Dear Ones,
My mother used to play a TRULY MESSED UP values clarification game with me when I was a little girl. Would you rather be rich, dumb, and brunette or poor, smart, and blond. Would you rather be lonely, kind, and have pimples, or happy, and mean with clear skin. In the early 1970s my mother’s version of would you rather included lots of body image adjectives (big, sexy, skinny, tall, short, buxom, flat chested, big butt, no butt, etc…). The “right” answer, and believe me, I was swallowing the message, was always the one that fit the heteronormative ideal—somewhere between Cher and Charo! I loved lying on my mom’s bed, watching her zip into her little black dress for a date, and playing the game. At eight or nine years old it was funny and fun to come up with values to clarify. Would you rather love pizza, have a puppy, curly hair, and need glasses, or love hamburgers, have a goldfish, straight hair, and need braces?
In fairness to my mother, she also later taught a middle school Women’s Studies class in the 1980s in which she did another values clarification exercise that involved collaging magazine images to the outside and inside of a paper bag. It was meant to show who you present to the world and who you really are. Of course by the time she was doing that exercise I was sixteen and not interested—alas, always getting in my own way!
I’m thinking of all this now because of the news. Most mornings by the time I’ve scrolled through the headlines at the NYTs I’m a wreck. The Supreme Court, the climate, the election, war du jour, cancer numbers rising, fentanyl… I’ll stop there though I could make a list as long as my arm. If we played would you rather now, one of the choices would be “have anxiety.”
Alongside the newsfeed, I’ve noticed an uptick in stories on boredom, like this one from The Atlantic which speaks of the virtues of boredom.
“Maybe it’s not a crisis if things aren’t always interesting.”
~Mary Mann
There’s an old saying that is both a blessing and a curse, “May you live in interesting times.” Okay, but it has to be the correct kind of interesting, right? I could use a little less interesting just about now. If the opposite of interesting is boring, then please, give me a big helping! I mean, is it true that only boring people get bored? I don’t think so. I feel bored when my work is too hard or too easy. I get a feeling of itchy frustration (i.e. boredom) because I’m not doing what I want to do, I’m not where I want to be, or with whom I want to be. But what if I leaned into the boredom?
Because boredom is such a motivating, annoying, irritating force, boredom can be kind of useful. ~Mary Mann
Maybe boredom gets us moving, as opposed to the paralysis of news bred anxiety. Boredom, if we allow ourselves to feel it rather than plugging into our smart phones, is an opportunity for daydreaming, contemplation and creativity.
According to this article in Psychology Today the same way our muscles need rest between workouts our minds need periods of idleness. What if, when we’re bored or unengaged, we let our daydreams slip toward the vacation we always wanted, the dream bathroom remodel, the garden we will plant when spring comes along, the last wonderful book we read, how much we enjoy hugging our children, our friends, partners and pets.
“Our brains naturally seek out things that cause anxiety and fear. They are looking for threats. It takes work to shift our brains’ focus away from fear toward positive things. When we focus on delight we retrain our brains.” ~Catherine Price
Can boredom be delightful? Can boredom be morphed into curiosity? Maybe? I guess it depends upon how we frame it. If someone asked me would you rather be anxious, scrolling the news, with an upset stomach, in grungy pjs, or bored, staring up at the clouds and daydreaming of the pasta dish you want to cook, I know my answer. What about you?
Look—a button to press! ⬆️ ⬆️ ⬆️! Thanks for sharing my newsletter w/someone new!
read:
Quick invitation double down! For February (cold, dark, wet— ugh!) we’ll be reading HOWARDS END, by EM Forster. We’ll meet over zoom at 9:30a PST on two Sundays, the 11th and 25th, (reading about 200 pages for each meeting). Should we enjoy ourselves as I hope, we have the option of then reading ON BEAUTY, Zadie Smith’s riff on Howards End. Please do let me know if you’re interested in joining. And please buy the edition I’ve linked to above, just so we can all find the sections we want to discuss. (It’s also available from the bad place.)
Huzzah! In an effort to escape the high-anxiety of the news— I offer a handful of newsletters (with their pitch copy and a note from me) in no particular order:
DRAW TOGETHER: Part Mr. Rogers, part Bob Ross, part jumpy-castle party—DrawTogether is an educational drawing universe that grows kids-of-all-ages’ creativity, curiosity and confidence through the joyful act of art-making. I cannot draw my way out of a paper bag, and yet I’ve been doing the 30 day drawing challenge. I’m in love with everything about it. I even drew on a plane where everyone could see my work and I didn’t care. So what if it’s terrible? I’m having a delightful time! And if I can do it, so can you! Check out my doodles, blind contour, non-dominant hand and just general playing around below:
YEAH. NO. NOT HAPPENING.: A newsletter offering amusing essays and advice for people who are done with going the extra mile, bending over backwards, over-delivering, chasing perfection, and above all, saying yes when they would rather say they no. Also, please note this newsletter offers scintillating and funny tidbits about being an ex-pat in France.
OLDSTER: Exploring what it means to travel through time in a human body—of any gender, at every phase of life. It focuses on the good, the bad, and the ugly we experience with each milestone, starting early in life. It’s about the experience of getting older, and what that means at different junctures. I’ve had a piece on Oldster, which you can read here. Sari Botton, the curator and editor, is a whirling dervish of greatness.
THE KEEPTHINGS: Stories of lost loved ones inspired by the things they left behind. Every week you’ll find a new and wonderful story and meet people who will really stick with you: parents, grandparents, sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, colleagues, spouses, best friends … all of them now gone but—thanks to their pencils and ashtrays and staplers, perfume and lipstick and cake pans—still living on. I had a piece here, about my beloved grandma.
FIELD BLEND: A lifestyle newsletter serving up a mix of beautiful finds – from interiors to clothes to books to the best recipe for end-of-season tomatoes. This is an indulgent splurge newsletter. If you have young children in your life, there are many things here to sweeten their lives.
TRUTH & DARE: Truth & Dare offers one Truth (a writing prompt) and one Dare (an art-making gesture in the world) with each post.
IT’S NOT TOO LATE: If you've been wondering how to to keep caring and bothering and staying engaged with what matters to you, to keep creating and writing and making stuff, connecting with other humans, caring about the planet, etc, welcome!
ART DATE WITH SARAH THIBAULT: Inspired by Julia Cameron weekly art date as part of the Artist’s Way regimen, Art Date was created to generate inspiration, the fun of art-making and to discover and escape what might hold us back.
If you have a newsletter to share with me do let me know. There is plenty of room at the table! I believe commenting/suggesting is only available to paid subscribers. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber, joining the conversation, and supporting a writer in the wild! Me 🥳!
Check my read.write.eat. Bookshop Store, where you will find many of the books I've recommended in the newsletter. Buying books from my shop is a way you can be a friend to the newsletter.
write:
Do you keep a diary/notebook/journal? I mostly (sort of 🤷🏻♀️) do. There are stretches in which I’m really good at checking in with myself, at inhabiting my own inner life. Then, occasionally I go through wastelands of nothing. TBH, I’m happier when I’m writing in my notebook, paying attention to my life, as described here by Austin Kleon. And, as Joan Didion says here, I write in my notebook to discover not what happened, but how what happened made me feel.
Daily journal keeping helps foster and develop the butt-in-chair-muscle for when the writing gets hard, and you know it will! Notebook keeping is great to help you figure out what you’re trying to figure out. Or, as James Baldwin admits, when you don’t even want to know what you can’t figure out.
The whole language of writing for me is finding out what you don’t want to know, what you don’t want to find out. But something forces you to anyway. ~James Baldwin
Are you convinced of the virtues of notebook keeping yet? Let’s do this together. When I start a fresh notebook I’m filled with new energy and I’m daunted. I offer a few guidelines:
Choose a friendly notebook, nothing so fancy that you’re afraid to make a mistake. Don’t invite your perfectionism to join you.
Start in the middle, not on page one. It doesn’t seem as momentous if you open the notebook and start halfway through. (Of course eschew this idea if chronology is important to you.)
Give yourself a break. Don’t expect expansive and breathstopping discoveries to pour out on every page. My head is full of petty muck that I must wade through to arrive at a big and glorious TRUTH. (I’m reminded of the joke about the birthday boy who finds his bedroom is full of horse poop and cries out, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.”)
If you feel stuck, begin by copying down a poem or a passage from a book or an essay which you loved. Explore why it was meaningful.
Your notebook should not be a chore, or a duty. Make it joyful, playful and fun. Tape in bits of news or photos you’ve torn from a magazine. Write down something you overheard in a cafe, like these two gems:
“My Aunt Joan is wonderful. She held me when I was born when my mother would not.”
“Did I miss the email about the bobbleheads?”
A notebook is a beautiful place to be ruthlessly honest, to be curious, and please, don’t forget to be forgiving.
a prompt:
Boredom/Curiosity:
Sit at your writing place. Open your notebook, or a doc on your computer. Notice your pen or the blinking cursor and do nothing for five minutes. Don’t scroll on your phone. Don’t begin to write. If you are home in a quiet house, notice the dust motes. What is going on outside the window? Where does the light fall? What sounds do you hear?
If you are in a cafe or public place, notice the people around you. How do they move through the world? Are they alone or with others? What ambient sounds occur? What scraps of dialogue do you hear?
After you’ve spent a bit of time noticing what is outside of you, please turn your attention inward. How do you feel? Are you comfortable in your body? Why/why not? How are you sitting in your chair and does it reflect your interior state? What are you wearing and why did you choose to dress this way on this day? What occupies your thoughts that you wish did not occupy your thoughts? Return to sensations in your body.
When the five minutes is up, write two words at the top of your page. One represents the feeling in the world around you, the other represents your internal state. Please remember the words are transient, just descriptors of the moment. Use them as a window to continue writing for another five minutes.
eat:
I’m leaning into vegan eating after watching the Netflix show: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. Have you seen it? So good/ so horrifying.
Mezze Platter, Taryn Elliott via Pixels
In the midst of a chilly winter, a MEZZE PLATTER is a great dinner plan to remind us of sunny days ahead. Along with hummus, baba ganoush, tabouleh, crudities, and pita, you might try this dip.
Muhammara (Red Pepper and Walnut Dip)
1 (12-ounce) jar roasted red bell peppers, drain well
3/4c walnut halves - do toast them briefly in the oven to release the lovely nutty scent. You must watch them so they don’t burn.
1/2c fresh whole wheat breadcrumbs
1T pomegranate molasses, (or 1 1/2t balsamic vinegar + 1t honey)
1/2t kosher salt
1/2t red pepper flakes or a smidge more if you like heat
1/2t ground cumin
1/2t smoky sweet paprika
Put all of ingredients into the bowl of a food processor fitted with a metal blade.
Pulse until blended, not completely pureed, stopping to scrape down the sides as needed.
Serve as a dipping sauce on your mezze platter, but also know this is delicious on top of cream cheese on a bagel, on a sandwich, or spoon some on grilled veggies, chicken, or fish.
Store leftover muhammara in the fridge for about 1 week, or in an airtight container in the freezer for up to 3 months.
For you! A bonus smattering of cooking newsletters I enjoy:
Culu Cooks: Here to inspire home cooks to make simple, yet sophisticated dishes you’ll feel proud of. I also love telling stories through food and about the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with and the places I’m lucky enough to visit, so you’ll see some of that here too. There is an annoying paywall (which I do understand, people deserve to be paid for their work, particularly women who have a harder time valuing themselves) but maybe you’d love the tease enough to check out her cookbooks? And you can follow her on instagram.
A Newsletter/Alison Roman: A weekly newsletter with recipes (both traditional and unconventional), stories (good ones and bad ones), and recommendations (solicited and unsolicited). Alison Roman is one of my fav chefs. I use her cookbooks regularly. Check them here & here & here. Also, her instagram is a great follow.
David Lebovitz: A professional cook and pastry chef most of his life, and he wrote one of the very first food blogs, plus written nine books, including two memoirs about his life in Paris. Are you traveling to Paris? He has wonderful tips!
Do you have a go to cooking newsletter I’m missing? Please share! There’s plenty of room at the table.
Stanley is never bored!
If you aren't on my mailing list, you can subscribe below. And, if you'd like to buy my books, you can do so here and here. If you'd like to support the newsletter, please upgrade to paid. When you comment, and like, and share with your funny and fun friends with the buttons below. When you do, I get an endorphin buzz.
Remember to tell your people you love them, and take good care of your skin.
xN
Love that Catherine Price quote: "When we focus on delight we retrain our brains.” I choose boredom always, please. Here are two more fab food newsletters worth your time: Debora Robertson's Lickedspoon and Jenny Rosenstrach's Dinner: A Love Story. Lickedspoon is a vicarious thrill with a food writer living in the south of France - I love her market haul pics and she writes such lovely posts. Dinner: A Love Story always gives me ideas (for food and books) and, again, the vicarious thrill of city living. I don't need to go anywhere, ever, just stay in my little country nest and read good newsletters. (I wish Substack would let me tag these people in a comment, so they know they're getting love!)
Thank you for the shout out 😘 Cracking open a new notebook and emphatically seconding the recommendation for Colu Cooks