on hitting a wall... of kindness
+ two monologues, books I'm excited about ++ beans are your friend
Dear Ones,
I think we need to start here, with the Wall of Kindness:
In Montreal citizens hang coats they no longer need on a wall for those who do need coats. How simple, how perfect, how strange and sorrowful that this is newsworthy and not just what we do.
I listened to THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS IS, by Laurie Frankel last week. I was consumed by this beautiful family story. It felt to me like a wall-of-kindness. A trans child in need of deep understanding and care gets deep understanding and care, plus mistakes are made, corrections attempted, and an imperfect family and community grows and changes.
The novel had me thinking of America Ferrera’s monologue in Barbie, in which she concisely decries societal expectations of girls and women. A taste:
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood….I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.
I have lived experience with Ferrera’s words. Many women do which is why there were hoots and shouts in the movie theatre when she delivered it.
And I believe we aren’t doing better by boys and men. Consider this from Frankel’s novel, when an older brother tells his trans sister that if she chooses to revert to her AMAB status, this is what she should expect:
Guys get beat up for everything. Asking how you are. Caring how you are. Using big words. Pronouncing them correctly. Wearing colorful things. …. And that’s just the beginning. If you’re too smart, too dumb, too cool, too worried about being cool, too nicely dressed, too hiply dressed, not hiply enough dressed, listening to the wrong music, listening to the right music on the wrong device, asking stupid questions in class, asking smart questions in class, asking questions in class that lead to more work in class, slow in gym, nice to a little kid, nice to a teacher, nice to your mom on school grounds, too good with computers, too often reading, or discovered during on a field trip to Washington DC to be in your hotel room watching a movie with subtitles, if you’re a guy, someone is going to beat you up…. You also have to walk the right way which you don’t. You’re too bouncy, you’re too sure about where you’re going and too excited to get there. Low, slouchy, don’t give a crap about where you’re going and if you get there. These are your goals. And no more giggling. In fact laughing at all is bad unless you’re laughing at someone. And no speaking in French any more ever, not even in French class if you can help it.
(Forgive me if I massacred the punctuation, I transcribed from the audio book.)
You get the message. Nobody gets to just be who they are. Nothing is simple. No wonder people around me seem exhausted. No wonder Elmo was slammed when he asked (over in the hellscape of X) how everyone is doing.
Leave a coat/Take a coat. Be kind like Troy Hawke, the compliment guy. I don’t mean to pretend any of this is easy. But if we can counter the gazillion axe hews against our identities, against our personhood, we should try harder.
Look—a button to press! ⬆️ ⬆️ ⬆️! Thanks for sharing my newsletter w/someone new!
read:
I’m thrilled that we have a new Tana French coming our way. THE HUNTER sounds deliciously enticing, a page turner to yank us into spring. Here’s an erasure poem I made from the flap copy:
Of course if you want the real lowdown, click here. But you know what? It doesn’t even matter what this book is about! It’s by Tana (DAMN) French! It’ll be wonderful.
After having seen the movie AMERICAN FICTION, which I loved (you can read my thoughts here), I’m all in for Perceval Everett’s new novel, JAMES, which is a retelling of THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN from Jim’s POV. (Does anyone else feel a bookclub being born?)
Finally, over on insta I’ve started a weekly excavation of my bookshelves, which I’m calling RANDOM SELECTION. Here’s the deal, I have all these books I’ve been toting around for forty +/- years because they’ve meant something to me as a human and as a writer. Maybe you’ve not heard of some of them? Every Friday I’ll share something… fiction, memoir, a craft book, a cookbook. Maybe it will be just your thing!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber, and supporting a writer in the wild! Me 🥳!
Check my read.write.eat. Bookshop Store, where you will find many of the books I've recommended in the newsletter. Buying books from my shop is a way you can be a friend to the newsletter.
write:
I’m finally doing it, and, yes…Ow!
I’m writing a synopsis of my book before I undertake the final pass through 🤞🏻.
Remember a long time ago when I told you I was looking for a Mary Poppins/Dom to help me with this book? Remember how I said you can’t go it alone? Well at least I can’t, and I didn’t, and my Mary Poppins/Dom-editor (whose real name is Heather and you should click the link if you’re looking for an outside editor who can guide you through the dark of your own ms.) gave me these questions to pursue for each story/chapter and then for the global story:
Story Synopsis:
What does POV character want:
What gets in her way:
Rank the complications: (A complication can be a good thing as in they get what they want but then don’t want it, or they get more then they want! Or a bad thing, like a tree falling on their home.)
Identify the Turning Point: This is when the character has to make a decision or a change
How does this story affect:
the character’s story:
the global story of the book:
I’m here on the other side, telling you this exercise was so enlightening. I discovered much that I said well and much that I still need to say. Maybe give a synopsis a shot for your project?
Two opportunities to write together!
I’m delighted about a free one hour class I’m teaching with Jen Louden! We’re calling it COMFORT & SPARK, meant to remind you what you love about writing and to generate some new work. It’s over on zoom. And again, it’s free! Yay!
Portland Writers! I’m going to be offering another WRITERS’s DAY SPA event on 4 May. Consider this a day to put yourself in the company of other writers who want to break the chain of aloneness at their desk, who want to be inspired by two teachers with prompts and brief craft talks, who want to be fed an excellent lunch, wear slippers all day—who want to share their work and raise a glass at the end of a productive and generative time. If that sounds like you, let me know and I’ll send more information.
a prompt:
I have a prompt here from a wonderful book full of great ideas, NAMING THE WORLD, edited by Bret Anthony Johnston.
eat:
I made beans. So simple. So elegant.
A Bowl of Beans
Choose several types of beans. I only had pinto and cannellini beans in my cupboard, both from Rancho Gordo. I think a wider variety would be better. Soak roughly one pound of beans overnight. I know there’s dispute about this step, but I do it out of habit. You be you! Next I drain the beans, cover with ample water, add salt and an entire head of garlic. I remove most of the papery skin but keep the head intact. I cut it along the equator and dump both halves in the pot. Also, add a parmesan rind. I collect and save them in my freezer for moments like this! Simmer the beans on low, really for about a million hours, or until five or six beans in a row taste creamy. You will have to keep adding water so the beans don’t dry out. The chef and cookbook author Alison Roman has said somewhere to put the beans in a slow oven, in a covered pot, which is another thing you could try. I haven’t as of yet. Click here for more she says about beans. For my beans, I serve with frizzled sage leaves (simply fry the leaves in butter), shaved parm, a spoonful of olive tapenade, a quick shave of lemon zest, as well as a squeeze of juice, a giant raft of garlic bread, and a little dressed salad of winter greens and cara cara orange segments.
Serve everything up on a nice tray, with the beverage of choice. I’ve a great mocktail recipe here. Plop yourself down in front of TRUE DETECTIVE for the perfect Sunday evening.
Stanley hopes you’re all okay!
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Remember to tell your people you love them, and take good care of your skin.
xN
i'm with you on the "kindness" wagon!
Kindness! Beautifully said Natalie! Thank you for the reminder of how much kindness can affect our lives and others. 💕