exquisite corpses, energy vampires, and friends who take your call...

+ a book substitution + gift yourself a retreat + chocolate cake for breakfast

Dear Ones,

Do you have a story about the friend who got away? I do. I was ghosted or cancelled or whatever the verb happened to be at the time and I was flummoxed. We were both adults. We confided in one another our particular life circumstances. We laughed. We shared. And then, I went through a crushing time in my family life. My children were struggling, my marriage was strained, I felt as if my skin had been peeled away. I was often frantic, not at my best, and I leaned hard, perhaps too hard? Perhaps I didn’t understand the parameters of our friendship? My friend stopped calling, stopped texting, or emailing. (I’m reminded here of the Jewish mother’s lament to Christopher Columbus… “I don’t care what you think you discovered, you don’t call, you don’t write…”) I won’t lie, I was crushed.

Energy Vampires, Daisy Anderson/Pexels

And then I read in the NYTs about how to conserve and build energy in the new year (eat well, rest well, move your body, guard yourself from energy vampires, be in a ‘flow’ state). Of course I’ve heard of energy vampires, but I didn’t know I was one! And I’m pretty certain that was the case with the friend who got away. I recall phoning her from a closed Arco station, sobbing in my car, because on top of everything else, I now had a flat tire in the rain. My friend gently, kindly told me she had to go because it was dinner time for her family, and that was it. That was our final conversation.

But here’s the thing. Doesn’t every single human have that shitty flat-tire-in-the-rain-at-a-closed-Arco-station moment? I have more than a handful of friends who definitely would call me from that gas station and I would definitely take the call. My friends would take my call as well. I think my energy vampire status arose from miscalculating the friendship with the one that got away. Because everyone knows the life situations that make us energy vampires are transient. That particular status will be shared, like the sisterhood of the traveling pants, everyone gets a turn.

I don’t resent my ex-friend for having good boundaries. I’m glad she took care of herself. And I’m happy to have found, a decade later, some understanding of her ghosting (even if I’m wrong) it wasn’t just me, it was us, it was life circumstances. Plus/and, I’m putting an energy vampire in my book!

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read:

I recently started reading a “darling” book of the season which many people pressed into my hands, NORTH WOODS A Novel, which I’m sorry to say, wasn’t for me. Perhaps I made the error of listening to the audio book rather than reading the physical book. I’m not certain but I’m now of the age (62! My jubilee year + today is my birthday!) when I can abandon a book. I know, it’s not like me to steer anyone away from a title, but I feel okay about sharing my opinion here because the novel is so beloved I know my thoughts won’t make a difference in its success, and because I want to suggest another book, HOMEGOING, by Yaa Gyasi, which is similar in premise to NORTH WOODS A Novel. Meaning, each chapter in HOMEGOING picks up a thread from the previous chapter. Each chapter is about a completely different set of characters. It’s like an exquisite corpse game! (If you don’t know what an exquisite corpse is, please click here immediately.) Gyasi’s novel in toto is a patchwork of people, of struggles, of slavery and independence, love and beauty, that comes together in an amazing and satisfying way at the close. I was so impressed by the quilt she stitched together. How in the world does she so elegantly keep all the threads from snarling?

I’m repeating myself here, but just in case you’re on the fence: I’ll be leading a reading group and I invite you to join! For February (the shortest yet hardest month—cold, dark, wet— ugh!) we’ll be reading a book that transports us! HOWARDS END, by EM Forster. We’ll meet over zoom at 9:30a PST on two Sundays (roughly reading 200 pages for each meeting). I love this novel and there is the lovely film version we can discuss as well. Should we enjoy ourselves immensely as I hope, we have the option of then reading ON BEAUTY, Zadie Smith’s riff on Howards End. Please do let me know if you’re interested in joining. And please buy the edition I’ve linked to above, just so we can all find the sections we want to discuss. (It’s also available from the bad place.)

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Check my read.write.eat. Bookshop Store, where you will find many of the books I've recommended in the newsletter. Buying books from my shop is a way you can be a friend to the newsletter. 

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write:

I’m on a self-made retreat with a fabulous writing pal (one who has absolutely taken my calls and whose calls I will always take! 😘) in Palm Springs.

It’s a combination birthday trip and writing get-away. I want to report how amazing it is to take the time to pull yourself out of your day-to-day and make your writing a priority. Even if you take a room at an airport hotel in your hometown. 24 hours in a new setting, with no distractions can make the world of difference. Here’s what Dr. Maya Angelou says about taking a room:

I have kept a hotel room in every town I’ve ever lived in. I rent a hotel room for a few months, leave my home at six, and try to be at work by six-thirty. To write, I lie across the bed, so that this elbow is absolutely encrusted at the end, just so rough with callouses. I never allow the hotel people to change the bed, because I never sleep there. I stay until twelve-thirty or one-thirty in the afternoon, and then I go home and try to breathe; I look at the work around five; I have an orderly dinner—proper, quiet, lovely dinner; and then I go back to work the next morning. Sometimes in hotels I’ll go into the room and there’ll be a note on the floor which says, Dear Miss Angelou, let us change the sheets. We think they are moldy. But I only allow them to come in and empty wastebaskets. I insist that all things are taken off the walls. I don’t want anything in there. I go into the room and I feel as if all my beliefs are suspended. Nothing holds me to anything. No milkmaids, no flowers, nothing. I just want to feel and then when I start to work I’ll remember.

Obviously most of us can’t afford Dr. Angelou’s extravagant ritual. But I do encourage you to make the space and time for yourself. It sends your mind and heart the message that you believe in your creative work. And, I don’t know about you, but I need a ton of those messages.

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a prompt:

Write about an energy vampire in your life…even if that vampire was you. (I love you, it’s okay, we all have shitty flat-tire-in-the-rain-at-a-closed-Arco-station moments in which we need big support.)

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eat:

Did I say it’s my birthday? 😉💛 🥳

age 4 and age 61

While my tastes have changed in many ways (for example, I no longer wear bath towels safety pinned together at the shoulders) I still love a slice of chocolate cake. Here’s a recipe that has been a no-fail favorite with a slight nod toward health.

Chocolate Zucchini Cake

• 2c whole wheat pastry flour

• 3/4c cocoa powder (use the best you can find, I like Guittard)

• 2t baking soda

• 1/2t baking powder

• 1t espresso powder

• 1/2t salt

• 1c vegetable or canola oil

• 1/2c sugar

• 2/3c packed brown sugar

• 4 eggs/room temp

• 1/3c sour cream

• 2t vanilla

• 3c shredded zucchini

• 1c excellent chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease one 9x12 inch baking dish, line with parchment paper cut to fit, grease the parchment.

2. Whisk the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, espresso powder, and salt together in a large bowl. In another large bowl using a handheld or stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the oil, and both sugars until smooth and thick. Add eggs one at a time, then sour cream, vanilla, and zucchini. Mix until combined. Add the dry ingredients in two batches and mix until completely combined. Batter will be slightly thick.

3. Pour batter into the pan. Bake for around 45-50 minutes or until the cake is baked through. Test with a toothpick for doneness.

4. While cake is still hot, sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. When they melt, spread them with a butter knife over the entire surface. (if they don’t seem to be melting, you can set the cake back in the cooling oven for just a quick moment)

5. Voila! I dare you not to finish eating this baby in a few days (one day?). It definitely fits the chocolate cake for breakfast plan.

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Thanks for reading. Here’s Stanley at home, waiting to take my call!

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xN