you don't know me well enough to ask that!
why I'm aggrieved by Barbara Walters + I have an essay in the world ++ a puttanesca to adore
dear ones,
I recently watched THE MANY LIVES OF MARTHA STEWART, and while I’m surprised to have a (grudging) new found respect for Martha (see above) I also am surprised to be hating on Barbara Walters. Okay, I know she was a pioneer, a woman in a man’s world, she made inroads…and she was a bitch to other women. Asking demeaning and condescending questions you can see her interview subjects flinch in her glare. Is that the goal? One-upmanship?
to Dolly Parton: "Would I have called you a hillbilly?" and of her breasts “Is it all you?"
to Brooke Shields who was 16 at the time: "What are your measurements?" and "Do you have any secrets from your mother?"
to Monica Lewinsky: "Where was your self respect?"
to Barbra Streisand: "Why didn't you have your nose fixed?"
to Celine Dion: "Why are you so thin?"
to Chelsea Handler: "Would you consider having a relationship with a woman?"
to Katherine Hepburn: “Do you ever wear a skirt, by the way?”
to Mariah Carey: “Are you the bitch she (Niki Minaj) is talking about?”
to Martha Stewart: “Why do people hate you?”
Is that journalism? All the questions are about body image, sexuality, and gender roles. What about perseverance, joy, breaking the glass ceiling, their work? What about no backhanded insults? Her job was to deliver insightful and intimate views of the people she interviewed, yet these questions are intrusive, belittling, and rude. Barbara, what happened to women supporting women? What a small world view if we believe we must chew each other up to rise. What about celebrating the big deal-ness of these women, the total bad-assery of these women?
…
Here are my alternate interview questions with positive, you-inspire-me energy:
To Dolly Parton: “Tell me about your literacy foundation, The Imagination Library.”
To Brooke Shields: “Do you parent differently than your mother?”
To Monica Lewinsky: “What strength were you surprised to find within when you were in your darkest moments?”
To Katherine Hepburn: “What advice did you offer to Jane Fonda, another powerful woman, on the set of ON GOLDEN POND?”
To Barbra Streisand: “How hard was it for you to get Hollywood backing as a producer and director and what skills/insights would you share with other women?”
To Chelsea Handler: “What from your life contributes to your hilarious world view?”
To Mariah Carey: “Besides “All I Want for Christmas is You” what song would you like to be known for?”
To Martha Stewart: “What would you like people to know about you that might be surprising?”
For another take on Martha, do check the terrific essay, “Martha, My Dear,” from David Rakoff’s book of essays, DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE. You can listen here, from THIS AMERICAN LIFE. If you don’t know of David Rakoff, well… you are in for a treat and you are welcome!
read:
Oof! This was a hard one to write, and to get right. THE ACCURATE TERM is my essay about my son’s questions around consent helped me recalibrate something that happened to me long ago.
I told no one. And if I had, I wouldn’t have called it “rape,” because there was no rope, no gag, no gun to my head, no trunk of a car, and not one bruise on my body. I believed I had put myself beneath him. I’d been preening beside him. I accepted the red Solo cup. I had a hazy memory of the backseat, pressure, darkness broken by the streetlight in the rear window, the smell of dirty laundry, my ankles tangled in my yanked-down pants.
…
Here’s a quick list of great online reads:
WHAT DEATHBED VISIONS TEACH US ABOUT LIVING, by Phoebe Zerwick, NYTs. (I think I managed to remove the paywall.) This is a beautiful article looking at the way our beloveds are soothed by visions at the end of life.
PAUSE, by Mary Ruefle, Granta. Such a great piece on the mysteries and mayhem of menopause.
THE DUTCH SOLUTION TO BUSYNESS THAT CAPTIVATED THE WORLD, by Olga Mecking, BBC. I dare you not to try lekker niksen!
THIS IS HOW A FRIENDSHIP ENDS: A RECIPE FOR MISO GINGER CARROT BISQUE, by Nina Coomes, Catapult. What I love about this essay is the hermit crab form. It’s lovely to use a recipe as a way to explore the heart of the matter. I can’t wait to try this form for my own work. Check more of Nina Coomes, Half Recipe Column.
I’ll be in conversation with Sarah Braunstein, discussing her new novel, BAD ANIMALS, at Powell’s on 3 May at 7p. If you are in Portland, do come! Meanwhile we can all dig into her book. Newly empty-nested, middle-aged Maeve is in a rut. She withholds important details of her life from her life coach, dreams her vagina has fallen out, loses her job at a library in a small Maine town, and becomes obsessed with a stranger! Wow! I’m in! The novel got a terrific review in the NYTs.
Paid subscribers get the benefit of participating in read.write.eat. book chats. For April we’ll be reading Lorrie Moore’s, I AM HOMELESS IF THIS IS NOT MY HOME. The novel just won the National Book Critics Circle Award for fiction. You can read a review here. If you’re interested in joining, and I hope you are, do drop me a note.
Check my read.write.eat. Bookshop Store, where you will find many of the books I've recommended in the newsletter. Buying books from my shop is a way you can be a friend to the newsletter.
write:
I’m in the last stages of putting my manuscript together and preparing to send it into the world. Part of that process is working on a pitch to agents, a cover letter, a single line that will entice readers. Perhaps some of you are in the same spot as me?
Here are some terrific ideas from book coach and editor extraordinaire, Heather Amiee O’Neal to help you muddle through:
When do you need a pitch? Anytime someone asks you about your book. In fact (only if you feel ready to speak of it) answer specifically. This is an opportunity for you to hone your language and to understand for yourself what your book is really about. Practice this with any inquiring human. You will be so ready when the time comes to truly pitch!
What should you include? Remember no one likes conflict except for readers! Include a couple characters and the conflict they face. Make the listener interested!
Use enticing language in your pitch. What do I mean by that? Strong verbs, concrete details. Make your listener see it and feel it. Consider this: “Kelly McMasters found herself in her mid-thirties living her fantasy: she'd moved with her husband, a painter, from New York City to rural Pennsylvania, where their children roamed idyllic acres in rainboots and diapers.” She totally has me with the rainboots and diapers. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop! This is from THE LEAVING SEASON.
Include the stakes! Make the listener understand what this story means to the characters. Here’s a line from the flap copy of JAMES, by Percival Everett: “When the enslaved Jim overhears that he is about to be sold to a man in New Orleans, separated from his wife and daughter forever, he decides to hide on nearby Jackson Island until he can formulate a plan.”
Try to avoid theme and stick with action. Don’t say my book explores forgiveness. Say, “My novel is about a hunting accident in which a child dies and the hunter must give his own child to the grieving family to make amends.” Which, by the way is the story of LA ROSE, by Louise Erdrich and is one of my all time favorite novels.
Also, speak with confidence! Don’t hem and haw. You are amazing. Someone told me that before you speak each sentence you should whisper, “They are not going to fucking believe this!”
a prompt:
Courtesy of Barbara Walters:
“What kind of tree are you, and why?”
Okay, I know. This seems like a corny question. But honestly, what kind of a tree are you? Maybe there were times you were feeling delicate, other times you were stalwart and stable, maybe you were covered in blossoms or dropping your leaves, or a branch fell off in an ice storm. Why do you feel this way? Use the question as a leaping off point for understanding how we are all constantly becoming. And isn’t that evolution a gift?
Also, try answering the question in the voice of your characters and see what you discover.
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Thanks so much!
eat:
Can you tell just by looking at this recipe how often I’ve made this sauce? Trust me. It’s delicious! Feel free to omit the anchovies if you don’t care for them or if you are a vegetarian. Also, I double the olives these days and use a mix of green and oil cured black. Finally, serve the sauce over curly pasta or pasta with ridges, places for the deliciousness to cling!
*chef’s kiss!
Stanley, king of the pillow!
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Tell your people you love them, and take good care of your skin.
xN
i read your beautiful, hard essay. i cried. thank you. so much heart.
and barbara walters...yeah, i don't recall her asking those questions of the men she interviewed. likely lots of her own projection. sigh. and i love your revised questions. they would have offered the world so much more depth!!!
Your essay was tough to read, through tears but a wonderful example of the importance of the difficult conversations with our sons and grandsons. 💙
I loved all your alternative questions; there would have been some interesting responses I’m sure!
A tote bag that says….read.write.eat. would be a perfect addition to my tote collection!