I'm in the top 5%! (don't get too excited)

other people's mothers, writing about mental health, tofu tacos... hang on! they're great!

Natalie Serber

Jul 03, 2025

∙ Paid

low angle photography of concrete building at daytime — Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Quick housekeeping up top:

We’re taking a break, a gap, a pause—nine glorious months in France! We’re in our 60s and maybe, just maybe, it’s our time to shine! We’re looking for subletters. If you know anyone who needs a comfy home while they remodel, or has in-laws coming to town for an extended period, or wants to relocate to Portland and is in need of a place to land while they look for a home, I’d love to chat! We depart in late August. LMK!
the view from our shower

Hey Hi Yo!

I went to the physical therapist, not because I strained a hamstring while rescuing a child from a tree, nor did I suffer an injury playing pickleball… nothing philanthropic or fun. I went because of my ancient feet. They kill me! Sometimes when I’m walking I experience a ring-of-fire in the mound under my toes. I literally have to take my shoe off and walk barefoot to make it go away, which can be awkward in the grocery store…

So my PT had me remove my sock and try this little party trick:

“Wow,” said Mr. PT. “You’re in the top 5% for toe mobility!”

“Toe mobility? WTF? Why not the top 5% for musical talent, or youthful skin, or family ties, or retirement planning!” Sheesh.

Now I’m doing toe-outs with mini bands to try and put out the flame in my foot. (You’re welcome for the link!) And, I’m having to divest from all my wonderful shoes. Basically I’m relegated to duct taping sheet pans to my feet! It’s either Birkenstocks or Altras now.

Tell me your foot problem and your favorite shoe for oldster feet?

read:

If you’ve been following my diary THE RIGHT TO FOLLY, you know I’ve been doing a lot of elder care—trying to get my mother safely, comfortably, and happily situated for this next phase in her life. Mostly it’s hard, really hard. Once in awhile, there is a bright moment.

fat + salt + sugar + alcohol = pleasure

Natalie Serber

Jul 1

Read full story

Of course I had to read Molly Jong-Fast’s memoir, HOW TO LOSE YOUR MOTHER, A Daughter’s Memoir. There are significant similarities between MJF’s childhood and my own (except for the heaps of money part). MJF describes a lonely girlhood as her glittery mother, the novelist Erica Jong, was consumed with her career and the men in her life. I too yearned for more time with my charismatic mom when I was a child.

I should also note that my mother loved Erica Jong’s, FEAR OF FLYING, which came out in the 70’s. She and her girlfriends thrilled at the uninhibited sexual freedom in the novel. ‘Zipless fuck’ (no-strings sex), was bandied about our apartment followed by gales of laughter much to my ten-year-old confusion/horror.

Yet HOW TO LOSE YOUR MOTHER is about the opposite of freedom. It is about a shrinking life and the hard work of managing financial and medical logistics for a stubborn parent. Like MJF’s mom, my mother has had steep cognitive decline. Both mothers had to be pried from their homes into assisted living. Both daughters are only children handling all of the heavy lifting. The emotional burdens of a new role as caregiver are made even more difficult as MJF must accept that the relationship she yearned for with her mother is over.

I completely related to MJF’s raw vulnerability, her honesty, her self-awareness, her frustration, and her grief. I am totally on her side with the tough decisions, especially when she is funny, which is often. Where we differ, MJF keeps lamenting (dare I say whining?) that she is not a good daughter because she cannot bear to sit at her mother’s bedside and tend and tend and tend. She hires out for help. I don’t see that as a failure. In fact, recently on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast Glennon Doyle in conversation with Michelle Zauner (CRYING IN H-MART) said that knowing your limits in caregiving is the opposite of failing, it is succeeding because honestly, it takes a committee to care for someone.

MJF is not a bad daughter. She’s an amazing daughter who is showing up for her mother in a way that her mother was unable to show up for her. She is living in integrity with the person she wants to be.

…

Down below, in the After Party 🎉, I’ve got three more memoirs I powered through with great joy! Meanwhile Dear Reader, do tell… what you are loving?

write:

I took a one day workshop on Writing About Mental Illness from the wonderful HerStories Project. The facilitator, GG Renee Hill, led us in discussions about:

caring for ourselves as we write about hard things
engaging in respectful writing about things that impacted our lives without infringing upon the lives of those we love
not letting our creativity stall out

Of course writing about our lives can lead to healing and better understanding. BUT, we have to write in a way that links detailed descriptions of what happened then with our emotional lives both then and now—. Hill gave us great guidelines:

Venting raw emotion will not bring about clarity and healing. As William Wordsworth said, poetry is “the is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings… recollected in tranquility.” The big Q is, how do we get to the tranquility?

Write about surface happenings. Write what happened in detail, write “the facts.” Who, what, when, where and how of the event. Write as many observational details as you can. Nothing is too small to describe. Keep an eye out for the positive as well as the hard.
Write the attendant feelings. How did this event affectyou emotionally at the time. Check your internals. Can you link the feelings/reactions to the concrete facts you listed above? And, how do/did these feelings impact you now? Ask yourself, How is this still showing up in my life?
Write about your gained wisdom, your newer perspective on this event. What do you now know that wasn’t available to you in the past? When and how did you gain this new perspective? What meaning can you glean from the experience?

In my experience with this method, especially when you write #3, you can arrive, if not at tranquility, then at least at a calmer (and more forgiving?) place. You are able to perhaps bring tenderness to your experiences. I encourage you to give it a try. And I encourage you to follow

Midstack

for more writing class opportunities.

eat:

I am spoiled by my own good cooking! The other day, depleted by the heat and a challenging yoga class, we searched for a food cart and settled on a burrito stand. It was HORRIBLE! Cloyingly sweet mystery meat, no shredded cabbage, the rice stuck together in a phlegmy mess. I ate it. I was so hungry. What a waste of stomach real estate! Sure I eat for fuel, but I also eat for pleasure. Here is the corrective for you:

Crispy Tofu Burritos

2 (14- to 16-ounce) blocks firm tofu
¼ c + 3 tablespoons olive oil, divided
2T soy sauce
2t ground cumin
1t smoked paprika
1 garlic clove, minced
¼c minced onion
½ t ground cayenne Salt and black pepper
¼ c tomato paste
2 ripe avocados
2T mayonnaise (Duke’s of course!)
1t lime zest + 3T juice
flour or corn tortillas, warmed
Minced red onion, thinly sliced radishes and chopped cilantro, grated carrot, a bit of cabbage slawed, a side of rice, a side of beans, all for serving

Heat the oven to 400 degrees.
Drain the tofu and squeeze out extra moisture over the sink (it may break into chunks). Coarsely grate the tofu onto two large, parchment lined sheet pans. It’s important to use two so the tofu has plenty of room to crisp up! Drizzle the tofu in each pan with 2T tablespoons olive oil and 1T soy sauce. In a small bowl, mix the cumin, paprika, garlic, onion, cayenne, 1t salt and 1t pepper; sprinkle half the seasonings over each pan and toss to coat. Spread the mixture in a thin layer.
Roast the tofu, stirring halfway through and rotating the pans, until the tofu sizzles, darkens and crisps, 30 to 35 minutes.
In a small bowl, mix together the tomato paste with the remaining 3T of olive oil. Drizzle the mixture over the tofu, adding half to each pan, then toss to combine, spread into an even layer and roast again until the tofu audibly crackles and develops a slight crunch, 10 to 15 minutes.
Prepare the avocado cream: In a small food processor, blend the avocados, mayo, lime zest and juice until creamy; season generously with salt.
Spread the warmed tortillas with the avocado cream, then top with tofu mixture, red onion, radishes, shredded carrot, a bit of cabbage, and cilantro. Serve immediately with a side of rice and beans.

after-party🎉:

If you’re already a paid subscriber, Giant THANKS!

Below the paywall you’ll find:

3 memoirs you’ll love!
Stanley!
a handy-dandy PDF to help with writing about hard topics!

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