... hello, pervert .... wtf? on sinister email

+ a novel with aggressive drones + surprise vs. suspense in story + all the world is green

Jun 13, 2024

I love it when you:

hey-ho,

Have you ever received one of those shame-spawning emails? A sextortion bot somewhere greets you: Hello Pervert (that is so Snidely Whiplash), and then the bot says you’ve been monitored for the past three months and if you don’t pay $$$ up your secret smutty tawdry online life will be exposed…

Well, Snidely, go ahead! In fact, let me do you a solid. Exhibit A: brief tour of my recent searches:

But what about the child? The closeted thirteen-year-old with curious, healthy, exploratory searches on their computer regarding sex, pleasure, gender. How desperate might they feel at this threat of exposure?

Another predatory email promises that my Fedex package is in the queue. Hooray! A gift! Someone is sending me a surprise. I get a brief endorphin rush. Except of course first I have to click open an attachment and give over my SS# or blood type or bank routing# or my car’s VIN# or a list of things I hate about myself. Delete. Delete. Delete. But what of the elder? What of my mother who has given over control of her computer to some offsite person who claimed to be calling from her bank. Disaster ensued.

It’s shitty. People actually decide to do that crap to us. Here’s recent info on what to watch out for.

I don’t know about you, but I would love to get a phishing email that suggested I click the link for….a cake delivery service, a puppy meet up, a poem, to watch David Letterman drop a watermelon from a tall building… I know weird, but funny and harmless. I’d even pay! I vote for gifts not threats in my inbox.

Have you ever been extorted? Phished? Courted by a Nigerian Prince who needs a bridge loan but will later deposit vasts sums of money into your account? Have you ever had a surprising gift in your inbox?

Do tell!

read:

Speaking of people making nefarious decisions that harm others…. there’s a deliciously dastardly man, Robert Lemoine, in the terrific novel BIRNAM WOOD, by Eleanor Catton, who wants to bilk an entire country of its resources, making him the richest man alive. (Cue evil laughter!) He is a cool player, this Lemoine, and cares not a whit whom he harms to achieve his goals. Lemoine is selfishness on steroids, but the thing that is so terrific about the novel, all the other characters are equally motivated by selfishness, just on a smaller stage.

Birnam Wood is a collective which plants illegal gardens on private property to give food to the needy. It suits Lemoine’s mission to give money and use of his land to Birnam Wood as it will deflect attention from his secret mining operation in a national park in New Zealand. Mira, the young environmentalist who leads the collective, decides to make use of the land and take money from Lemoine because it suits her image as a complex woman, willing to compromise for larger goals. She proves she is more than an idealist. And thus, with the transfer of funds, the first domino of the plot tips over. Consider the Dervishes, a New Zealand couple who decide to sell their property to Lemoine, even though he disgusts and fascinates them in equal measure. Think of selling your property to Elan Musk. The Dervishes are lured by the huge sum he offers, and by his insistence upon secrecy which to them is thrilling and elevates their lives to an adventure. Domino number two!

Mira’s friend and co-worker, Shelley wants out of the Birnam Wood collective. She decides to sleep with an ex-lover of Mira’s to facilitate her exit. Her decision topples another domino. Decisions go wrong resulting in unexpected consequences all the way through the novel to an utterly thrilling and horrible end. I love Catton’s willingness to let hubris and desire lead her characters by the nose down the wrong path. They choose, badly and blindly, without enough information. Their choices make the story roll swiftly forward until finally it is grief and love that bring about clear vision. I won’t say more, but the satisfying ending is nearly hopeful, which might be all we can ask for just now.

…

FYI: I’m starting up the random selection book suggestions again. I pull a book from my shelves and tell you why you should read it! You can find them here or here!

Awww… I heard you were looking for a way to thank me for all the wonder I provide, here it is! Upgrade your subscription to paid! It’s a mere $5 per month!

Check my read.write.eat. Bookshop Store, where you will find many of the books I've recommended in the newsletter. Buying books from my shop is a way you can be a friend to the newsletter.

write:

According to E.M. Forster, every work of fiction, no matter how lofty, must make the reader want to know what happens next. The novel or the story, (and I would posit, the memoir) must make the reader want to turn the page.

One way to do that is to create suspense. Not surprise mind you, suspense. Consider please Alfred Hitchcock, the master. Hitchcock knew that withholding information creates surprise. For example, imagine a bomb explodes in a film, sudden and without warning. Mayhem ensues. It’s a surprise.

Now imagine the reader/viewer knows the bomb is under the car. We watch as the bomb 💣 ticks and the unsuspecting driver takes his time gathering all his belongings, and then returns to get their umbrella. Next a kid scooters slowly by, eating a popsicle. A meter maid stops to write a ticket. We’re on the edge of our seats! Who’s going to get blown to bits? That, my friends, is suspense. The foreknowledge of the bomb makes us scooch to the edge of our seats.

My clients and students often withhold information, leaning hard into surprise rather than suspense. It’s okay if we know something is going to happen, it’s how the event unfolds that’s the money shot. When we have information, we pay careful attention.

We all know (sorry to tell you) how it ends for us, we die. How it unfolds is the thrill.

…

I’m planning a 4 week summer generative online workshop! SUMMER SEEDLINGS in which we will read a short piece of writing together, discuss, and then I’ll share a prompt or two. We will write together, share our work, and a short craft lesson will arise! At the end of the four weeks you will have tuned up your writing skills, have the beginnings of several pieces of work, or have gone deeper into your longer writing project, and developed community. Win.Win.Win. The workshop will run from mid-July to mid-August. Each session will last 2 hours. The cost will be $225. I can’t wait to write alongside you and to hear your work. If you’re interested, drop me a comment. There is plenty of room at the table for writers of all levels.

prompt:

Readers tell me they love the prompts I offer. I’m delighted! I thrive when I’m sharing writing ideas and inspiration every week. And, putting all this together takes time. Starting next week, the prompt will be behind a paywall, making it a value add for paid subscribers.

Meanwhile, why not spend 10 minutes describing:

A weird thing that happened in a car
An award someone (you or family member or a character) didn’t deserve
The wrong decision you thought was right
A time you had to undress in public
A time you didn’t want to be alone
a sinister email arrives and you click on the link….

eat:

Last week, in the Summer Bingo Edition, I suggested making a monochromatic meal. Silly? Maybe. Fun? Sure is. Why not challenge yourself to make a meal that takes full advantage of colorful vegetables. To set you on your path to a green dinner, here’s a recipe for Green Goddess Salad Dressing which is great on, well everything. Last Sunday I used it on a composed salad with olives, Bibb lettuce, snap peas, asparagus, baby turnips, fava beans, tuna, and spring onion. It was a no-recipe-recipe, Niçoise adjacent. And it was mighty!

The dressing would be great slathered on toast with softly scrambled eggs. Wonderful in the pit-hole of an avocado. Dip grilled shrimp in it for a nice appetizer.

Green Goddess Dressing

1c washed and dried parsley leaves
1c packed watercress or spinach leaves, stemmed
2T tarragon leaves, rinsed
3T minced chives
1 garlic clove, roughly chopped
2 anchovy fillets
3T fresh lemon juice
1T Champagne vinegar or sherry vinegar
½c canola oil or grapeseed oil
½c mayonnaise, preferably Dukes
Kosher salt
freshly ground pepper

In a blender, combine the parsley, watercress or spinach, tarragon, chives, garlic, anchovies, lemon juice, vinegar, and canola or grapeseed oil. Blend until smooth, about two minutes. Add the mayonnaise, and blend again until smooth. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

That’s it! Put in a lidded jar and keep in the fridge. The dressing will keep for a couple of days. If you’re going for the All Green Dinner, maybe serve alongside Creamy Lemon Zucchini Pasta (sub in spinach pasta). For dessert you could do some kiwi sorbet, or how about Avocado Pie? And, here’s a playlist:

Let me know if you try a monochromatic meal: