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Hi Hi!
Once, in my 30’s, a friend said to me, “I’m closing the gate. I have no room for more friends.” Well, a woman pauses. First off, I felt threatened. I felt as if I was just barely inside her gate, in the garden of her community. Of course this insecurity came from my childhood, from attending five elementary schools and always being the new kid who stood in front of the class, introduced by the teacher, my hand rising to a timid, hopefully appealing wave.
Yes, I am an only child. I learned to enjoy the pleasure of my own company (perhaps that is why I became a writer), but no matter how rich one’s inner life, the pleasure of companionship always wins.
Sometimes the pleasure comes from the great good luck that an amazing and funny friend sitting nearby finds me wonderful to be around. Sometimes the pleasure is the insight and care offered to me. The “I call bullshit!” honesty about my bad decisions—the boy, the thigh high red suede boots on my short legs, the swim alone at dusk on Seabright beach, the quaalude. Sometimes it is the gatekeeping, the sparing of details, protecting me from things about which I need not know. Of course it goes both ways. It’s the sudden alert sense I have, my sensitivity to the friend who confides and shares their foibles and struggles and joys—I’m tired, I’m in love, my kids…oy, I failed, the test results are back, the nightmare, the tumble, I can do a headstand! Because it’s all of it. I love it when we lean into each other.
I was listening to Anna Quindlen’s essay collection, LOTS OF CANDLES, PLENTY OF CAKE, (mixed thoughts about the book in a future post) and, in an essay about aging, heard this line, “In my 60s I’ve added a few friends, despite my insistence that I don’t have room in my life for more friends.” And again, a woman pauses. What is this “no room” of which she speaks? I don’t think I will ever have enough friends. They may not be in the inner circle (egg yolk friends), they may be friendly acquaintances (egg white friends) but my gate is open!
One of the biggest concerns I have about our upcoming longtime stay in France is my lack of friends there. (Come on over! Our door is open!) Experiences are better when you have funny and fun, beloved people with which to share a museum visit, a walk, a swim— smart and lively people with which to enjoy an apéro, a bike ride, getting lost in a new city, a noisette! The thing is, no matter what you’re doing with friends, the wonder of being known and still being loved is the greatest gift.
You can’t spit on your browser (well please don’t, but you know what I mean) without coming upon an article about the importance of social connections, the diminishment of friendships as we age, and how we can make new friends as an adult.
Yes, please! I want the big dinner party, the group trip to a giant house on a lake, the late night phone call, the book group, the movie and then dinner where we talk about the actors and forget their names! I want to bring a casserole, to be a second pair of ears in the doctor’s office. I want the grumbles and the mutual appreciation society because of course it’s everything, and even so, maybe because it is everything, friends make me rise and shine.
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And, this poem (I’ve only included the first lines as I fear that is all that is permitted. Please, follow the link):
On Friendship
by Hagit Grossman, translated from the Hebrew by Benjamin BalintIf a friend calls out to you late at night from beneath your window
Never send him on his way. And if you’ve sent him away and still
Insist on rigid rules, regain your composure after a moment
And run to the window and shout his name: “Come, Merhav!
Come back! I’ve got some corn cooking! Come eat something.”
And he’ll placidly retrace his steps and gladly accept
The key you toss down from your window…
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A friend playlist!
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“Come back, I’ve got some corn cooking. Come, eat something!”
Thanks for reading. I hope your day is filled with amiable companions.
If you missed the last few jewels… no fear! Here they are: cookies. melon salad. novel. dance. poem. cake. And, to stay in the loop:
Tell your people you love them, and take care of your skin!
You will have friends in France. Your heart is a magnet that attracts people.
I get the “I don’t have room for new friends” comment very much—I may have said it myself (perhaps not even meaning it!). But I think it comes from feeling pulled too thin—the “I’m already disappointing old friends by not being able to nurture or tend to our relationship so why do I want to bring in new people to disappoint.”😂
But I’m an unreliable narrator, as I continue to make friends. And since I’m on this caretaking journey with my mum also, I just hope those in my life give me grace and a hall pass for all the events I can’t make, all the times I’m too emotionally tired to call, all the birthdays I miss, forget or don’t acknowledge.
And you will definitely find friends in France. And if I were in a different space I’d jump on a plane to see you —for sure!! Love you, Natalie!❤️